Another four years and another summer Olympics, not entirely without controversy, have come and gone. Amidst the hoopla and hysteria, this seems an appropriate time to take stock and once again decry the dearth of classical music events at the summer games. With the ongoing talk of eliminating Women’s Softball in 2012 as a result of American dominance in that sport over the years, change is not just possible, but long overdue. In order to accommodate Russian paranoia over such trivia as failed drug tests and the complaints of the ever creepy and neurotic gymnast-turned-fashion-model Svetlana Khorkina, the IOC is even considering tilting the games in favor of Eastern European participants in 2008, adding such individual events as Women’s Coalmining, and team sports such as the Nuclear Accident Emergency Response Time Trials.
The Olympics is, of course, always a pungent mixture of sport and politics, and all that’s really missing is the artistic element–and don’t tell me that Synchronized Swimming and Rhythmic Gymnastics make up for it. No way. Particularly in today’s market, where a fierce competitive spirit has come to dominate the behavior of labels and artists of all stripes, it’s clear that the IOC needs to recognize the performing arts as the sporting events that they truly are. Not only will this be good for the artists themselves, allowing them to compete with better oversight and within an internationally agreed set of rules, it will involve the public in an unprecedented and enthusiastic way. So as a service to the arts community, and also to prod the IOC into action, I offer ten major events for consideration, if not in Beijing in 2008, then certainly for 2012.
Major Label Deletion Sprints
This event, the medal for world’s fastest deletion of a recording by a major artist on a major label, will no doubt be the most hotly contested and keenly watched, if only because the field is so large. There should, in fact, be three medals awarded: straight deletion, deletion with reissue and recoupling, and deletion with lowest priced reissue.
Label Jump Pentathlon (Soloist and Ensemble)
A true test of artistic endurance, these medals go to the soloist and ensemble that managed to show up on at least five (non-vanity) labels in the previous four year period. The ultimate test of artist management, manipulative PR, and sheer skullduggery, this event will appeal to fans of distance sports and generate much pre-Olympic publicity. This event can also be expanded to Decathlon length as appropriate.
Beach Chamber Music
Isn’t everything more fun at the beach? And weren’t those ghastly pop music expostulations between every point of beach volleyball annoying? And wouldn’t some sun and sand liven up a usually fusty evening of chamber music? Events should include round robin elimination tournaments for string quartets, piano trios, piano solos, and instrumental duo. Performers, of course, must wear appropriately skimpy beach attire, which is after all where so much of the appeal lies.
Floria Tosca 30 Meter Platform Diving Competition
Aren’t we just sick and tired of seeing klutzy Toscas tumbling off the parapet at the opera’s end with so little grace and artistry? It’s time sopranos were ranked, not just on vocal quality, but on the skill involved in both the jump and subsequent landing on the pavement below. Who will be the first Tosca to attempt a handstand triple summersault with a half twist in pike position–difficulty factor of 3.6? I can’t wait to find out.
Orchestral Rhythmic Gymnastics
A simple event, orchestras must play The Rite of Spring without a conductor, and will be judged on rhythmic accuracy and overall artistic impression. Chamber orchestras will tackle Copland’s Short Symphony. To prevent judging controversies regarding the purely rhythmic element, tempo standards will be strictly enforced through a prominent electronic click-track keyed to the composer’s exact metronome markings, and any deviations will be automatically scored by computer. The artistic impression ranking will only be used in the event of a tie.
A=440 Tuning and Intonation Individual and Team Events
This is the “Balance Beam” of the classical music sports world, and it will be compulsory for all participants, who will be judged continuously in the course of fulfilling requirements for all of the other contests (authentic instrument performers using lower pitch standards and underwater events—see below–are exempt). The soloists and ensembles with the fewest intonation lapses will receive all-around medals at the end of the competition.
Olympic Aquatic Piano Competition
Designed in connection with the manufacture of the new line of waterproof Steinway concert grand pianos, this event will test not just finger dexterity, but lungpower. Contestants will work their way through Bartók’s complete Mikrokosmos, playing each item from shortest to longest underwater, in a single breath. The soloist who gets the furthest along without flaws in execution (or drowning) wins. Judges will be issued scuba gear so as to enjoy the entire competition without the need to come up for air.
Wagner Marathon
An endurance event whose purity and economy embody the best of the Olympic spirit: competing opera companies will present the complete operatic works of Wagner in sequence beginning on day one and continuing without pause until they either reach the end of Parsifal or give up in exhaustion. Volunteers will provide water to the performers as necessary, but no food or bathroom breaks will be permitted once the event has started. In case of a tie, ensembles will play continuous sudden death performances of Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots until a winner captures the gold medal.
12-Tone Virtuoso Violin Tournament
Restaurant and café violinists will be replaced by competing classical virtuosos all of whom will be required to perform, as their only selection, a specially commissioned dodecaphonic/microtonal sonata for solo violin composed by Pierre Boulez, no matter what music is actually requested by diners. The competitor with the most tips at the end of the competition wins.
Authentic Instrument Fencing and Archery Challenge
These two sports being the primary means of combat during most of the period in which the relevant instruments were used, historical performance ensembles will be required to attend all fencing and archery events and, while in progress, play an improvised medley of tunes from Terpsichore, interspersed with French and English music for viols, both solo and in consort. Athletes will have the option of hitting either their normal targets or the musicians themselves. The last player standing wins. Extra points will be awarded to the fencers and archers for impaling not just the performer but the instrument as well with a single thrust.
I know that this isn’t much, but it’s certainly a start, and one which hopefully will catapult the classics into the annals of sports history, where they surely belong. If you agree, please consider supporting this initiative by writing a letter to the IOC:
Mr. Jacques Rogge
President
International Olympic Committee
Chateau de Vidy 1007
Lausanne, Switzerland
Let’s not see another four years go by without the classics receiving the attention that they deserve!
David Hurwitz
